How do you Navigate Difficult Conversations?

By Hightower Westchester on December 5, 2022

Have you ever been in a meeting with a disgruntled client or had a difficult conversation with a friend or family member? What happens when someone gets upset? As we all know in those scenarios, the brain is bombarded with sensory information and external stress that activates electrical and chemical triggers that get the body ready for action, or in other words, the fight-or-flight mechanism!

Recently, I had the opportunity to hear an expert in this field speak at a conference. It was refreshing to hear someone analyze our business through this lens. So often, we focus on an investment or a tax strategy, without taking a step back to evaluate how to properly interact with our clients and understand where they might be coming from. After hearing the talk, it resonated with me and hence the formation of this blog.

To keep it high level, there are essentially two major parts of the brain that dictate how we handle interaction. The primitive part of the brain controls fight or flight, while the newer part, the neo-cortex, controls language and rational thought. The neo-cortex provides a focused commitment of effort to maintain clear and rational thinking, planning, problem solving and decision-making. These are two very different structures. One is comprised of feelings and impulsivity, while the other is self-awareness and observation. Starting to sound familiar?

So how do you navigate these difficult conversations and how do we access the neo-cortex to keep our thoughts rational? Well let’s start with the question, what happens when someone becomes anxious or afraid? The first step is to actively listen and engage your language skills. An example of that is to ask, “how are you feeling about things?” Make sure you let the individual speak and express their feelings. That could be for several minutes at a time, so have patience. This helps activates the rational part of the brain and inhibits the impulsive part.

And when I say listen attentively, I mean it. Then ask for more information but do not try to address issues or concerns as your rational ideas may not be heard or understood.

Step two is to engage cause and effect and thinking and planning. Asking questions such as “what do you think is going to happen? Or, what, specifically, will cause this?”  The idea is to get the individual to think about the future and articulate how those frightening events may happen. This activates the rational part of the brain. Continue to ask for more information and request specifics. Don’t offer any alternative ideas or solutions yet as the individual is likely still too upset to hear you.

Next step is to engage in rational thought. Often, people are thinking short-term about how things feel right now, in the moment. It is important to attempt to put things in context around their goals and objectives over the long-term (think about how many times we have mentioned that!).

People do not fear what has already happened; they fear loss and sadness. They become afraid when they make mental images of what might happen in the future.

Invite the individual to observe the difference between thinking and feeling. Allow the individual to discover how their fears are not based on rational thoughts. Allow the individual to shift gears mentally as it still isn’t time to offer a new perspective.

Finally, you want to normalize and then provide resources. Express how you understand how they might be feeling and how many people have felt that way before. Offer solutions on what has worked in the past and what may be suitable for them and their circumstances.

When the rational part of the brain is fully activated, more thoughtful, less impulsive decisions can be made. The individual is now able to hear and make sense of the ideas and information you have to offer. Offer your insights when the client/friend/family member is calm and more logical.

I wanted to write this blog, not to give the keys to the kingdom but to show you how to manage the difficult conversations that we have in our daily lives. Whether you work in a client facing role or just want to diffuse those inevitable hard conversations that are bound to happen, taking a more balanced thoughtful approach will lead to more rational outcomes.

Richard Flahive – Private Wealth Advisor and Director of Research & Planning – Hightower Westchester

914.825.8639 – rflahive@hightoweradvisors.com